“Life is too short to waste on worrying about those who turned their backs on you sweetheart “She said that with an empathetic look in her eyes, she kissed me on my forehead and left me for what was supposed to be a goodnight of sleep. I covered my face with my blanket and tears rolled down my cheeks. Obviously, it was going to be a long sleepless night as has been the case for the last few weeks. Glimpses of his face, his smiling lips, the soft touch of his hand, the look in his big brown eyes, and other thousands of questions bombarded my head, all at once. Sometimes, it is just hard to control one's thoughts and the human memory can turn from the greatest biological gifts to a source of our greatest pain and suffering. All these flashbacks gave me a headache, so I turned, hopelessly, to the right side of the bed trying to reward my exhausted eyes with some peaceful moments of rest.
Loneliness is a very powerful feeling one can ever experience. It is so intense to the point you get captured in a loop of unanswered questions because there is no one to explain or respond to. It captures you in a suffocating cage of illusions of worthlessness and refusal. Losing him was the most grueling situation I had to face. Just like a small kid who had to hear their orphanage news. I missed every aspect of his presence in my life. It turns out that over-sharing details of your life with others can be extremely toxic. Now, everything I do reminds me of him. My ponytail he used to like, my dog he used to pet, my favorite pie he used to make, our late-night talks.. . Nothing feels the same; I no longer enjoy my coffee and my favorite songs don’t cheer me up anymore. My life turned to a rainbow slowly fading between drops of rain, losing its colors, saying last Goodbyes to its esse. It is weird how an entire existence can turn from a blessing breeze during a hot summer to a tornado tearing up your heart to millions of pieces.
A Severe ache battered my heart pulses, sweat had already invaded all my body, and I felt as thirsty as an Olympic player after a running marathon. I got up, went straight to the window, and opened it in a desperate attempt to exhale air and inhale all that agony. Tears rolled down again when that attempt turned into a big failure and I felt that even the air betrayed me this time.
Gazing at the stars with tired eyes, I remembered when I used to spend summer holidays with grandpa on the farm. His bedtime stories were just long chats between him and me. Gosh, I crave those good old days! I recall how he used to listen to me reading my diaries, with all the grammar mistakes and terrible spelling. I have kept that diary with me even when I moved downtown with grandma. It has always been my source of inspiration. It must be somewhere here. It has been almost 15 years since I wrote in it. I got back to bed holding an old notebook with childish stickers covering it in my hands and spent the whole night reading it.
The next day, I woke up at 06 am, prepared a delicious breakfast and hot coffee for me and grandma, put on some classic heavenly music, “ Looks like someone had beautiful dreams yesterday”, said grandma with a happy smile. I kissed her forehead and said winking “Indeed! Yesterday an angel visited me and told me that life is too short to be wasted grieving for those who turned their backs on us”...
Sometimes, it is crucial to take a step back, to remember who we are and what we really want from life. Deciding how to continue our journey and which path is the one with the lights at its ending. We have to accept the fact that we will meet good people as occasionally as those who will teach us hard lessons. All we have to do is to hold on to our true selves and to keep on walking towards those rays of hope to reach a flourishing destination.
After all…
After every winter... There is spring,
After every fade ... There is blossom,
And every ending is just the beginning of a new story...
Writer: Islem Landolsi
Editor: khouloud kechiche
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