When he woke up on that gloomy morning, he was still hoping to find out that he was merely having a nightmare, that someone would pop up from underneath his bed and tell him that this was all a part of a hidden camera show, like the ones he used to see on TV, that this was nothing more than a joke, a stupid long joke played on him by one of his friends.
But this was real... This was his life...
He knew it was, and yet, he was still unable to look at the ugly face of the truth and stare in the eyes of reality, instead, he decided to escape it, even by hopelessly trying to convince himself over and over again that he was dreaming, that she was still alive, and that he could wait for her after work for their usual lunch date, hold her in his arms and talk to her for hours as they always did.
Sun rays were beginning to sneak into his small room through some crack in the worn-out old rusty window pane.
He squeezed his eyes shut as soon as sunlight hit his face, he cursed it under his breath knowing that it was only a sign declaring the arrival of the dreadful time, the morning he wished would never arrive, the hour he hoped to escape.
Today too, he feels that skull-crushing headache...
He turns to look at the small blue clock sitting on his bedside table, 6 A.M. ...
"The hellish hour is getting closer", he thought to himself as he rubbed his index finger on his temple, and indeed the morning was already here and only a few hours separated him from starting another day of his endless cycle of a routine called life.
He cursed society under his breath, he hated being a part of it. The society where you are expected to be a working machine with no feelings or emotions. A society that only cares about money and business.
But the truth that no one was brave enough to admit is that men too, have feelings.
So when the company had to say goodbye to yet another employee due to covid, they all chose to mourn in silence.
But he... how could he? He loved her with all his heart and soul... He could no longer pretend ... It was only yesterday that they had buried her lifeless body, and today, he was expected to be at work as if she never existed, because we live in a society where people are too afraid to show their emotions.
But, the bitter feeling inside his soul was growing larger and larger into a heavy lump he had to carry over his shoulders.
Inevitably, waking up was getting more and more difficult as days passed. He reached that point where everything ahead seemed pitch-black. Days became less appealing and the shadow on the moon at night was his only comfort and companion.
"What's the purpose of life if I can't spend it with her?"
He mumbled to himself as he stared at the sky, thoughts getting gradually darker in his mind.
Another sleepless night, tossing and turning in his bed, it was hopeless to fall asleep.
He sighed, got up, and walked towards the kitchen to grab a lighter, perhaps smoking would clear his head. But as soon as he set foot into the kitchen, only one thought took over his mind: "what if ... "
He grabbed a steel knife in his firm grip and got lost in his thoughts again as he stared at it.
"What if I put an end to this suffering? Would anyone miss me? Would they think of me? Would they remember me? Or would they simply go back to work the next day? The company I spent my precious hours on, skipping family gatherings and beautiful events to attend its meetings. They would probably post about a vacant position by tomorrow morning and hire someone new as if I never existed."
Truth hurts, for this society has been just that cruel, and he finally realized now, that he had lost the only glimpse of happiness he used to have.
His suppressed feelings took over him.,. He felt numb, after all, he had spent his entire life trying to live up to the standards society expects a man to meet.
They say "Men do not cry Real men don’t cry ", well men suffer in silence, that is why their surroundings only notice that they show signs of depression way too late.
Men can suffer from mental illness too. Men are not emotionless robots.
And our man was only human, like every other fragile human being, struggling to maintain his balance on the fine line of sanity. but that strong hit, the shocking news, caused him to slip, and what a fall he took...
He shook his head after a little while with a cold, fake smirk as he carried his remaining cigarettes in one hand and the kitchen knife in the other and walked back into his dark bedroom, thinking to himself:
"Maybe I'm unable to end this mental health stigma, but at least I won't have to deal with it and pretend anymore."
And with a light push, he closed the door...
Writer : Eya Brik
Editor : Hiba Ghanmi